Constant Goodbyes

I’ve been saying goodbye to people since I left my parents’ home when I was 18. I thought it would eventually get easier, but it never has. During university, I studied culture shock and have a working understanding of the different phases people go through, both from a personal perspective and from observing others. In all of my studies and “group” sessions involving culture shock, saying goodbye was seen as part of the process, but not seen as a big issue to deal with. I beg to differ.

I spent my university years volunteering for an international student group that involved meeting people from all over the country and the world. So, people were always coming into my life and we would often share very intense and often short lived friendships. Some have turned into lifelong friendships, some are friends on Facebook, and others have disappeared altogether. Some of these friends I do see occasionally, and when we come together, it is like no time has passed! With good friends, the process of saying goodbye has become understood, you hug, you walk away – try not to overthink it.

Rookie Mistakes

During my career I’ve changed companies and cities every few years, so I was saying goodbye to another bunch of colleagues and “real-world” friends on a regular basis. I got quite good at it. But I was young enough at the time to believe I would always find more great people to hang out with. Plus, I was still in my home country where I had a couple of good friends in every major city, so the prospect of spending time making new friends wasn’t really on the cards. When friendships randomly happened that was a bonus! I lived in a world where, although I was transient, I was still home, and good friends and family were only an hour or so flight away. Goodbyes were rarely all that meaningful.

Adapting to New Realities

Home is no longer a short trip away, that flight is now 14+ hours long and requires more than a few days planning. When catching up with good friends back home, you realize that their lives have moved on since you were a part of it. That comfortable friendship bubble I once lived in may not have burst but it has certainly taken on another shape. I really miss the old bubble at times. Sometimes I fool myself by thinking that the bubble hasn’t changed because of online interactions with friends back home, but we all know that is just not the same.

When I do on occasional visit home, I tend to stick to the formula of hug and walk, mainly because I know that if I let it, the familial may have a stronger pull then my expatriate home. I actually once said goodbye to a friend through an open window, simply saying “see you next time” and walked off, actively avoiding any physical or mental emotion. My mother of course is not aware of this “formula” and prescribes to the school of thought that if there isn’t at least three hugs and some tears I am not allowed to board the plane.

One for Every Occasion

In expatriate life, many talk about the process of saying goodbye as I have above. You are the one leaving home, or at the end of the assignment saying goodbye to all the people you’ve met and returning home or moving onto the next location. No one really talks about that during this time you will say goodbye to many people while you stay on assignment. You may have only known people a short while, but often expatriates through a shared experience develop friendships thick and fast. Also, this changes the group dynamic, at home friends will come and go but there is often a core group of friends. On assignment, this core group is often in flux and it isn’t always easy to tell who is a part of that core until someone leaves.

So, to me there are a couple of different goodbyes while on assignment: the home visit  (“see you again soon”), the leaving your expatriate friends (“enjoy it here”), and the saying goodbye as expatriate friends leave (“enjoy the next adventure”). It’s this final one that has started taking more of a toll on me.

Tangible Loss

As a single person, finding friends is a priority, and as an introvert this drains a lot of energy. This heightens the feeling when one of these friends leave no matter how brief the friendship. When you find people you click with, the friendship can develop quickly. This makes for some interesting, fun times and not to mention many new experiences. The pitfall (and the point of this article) is that I now find myself saying goodbye on a more regular basis and it’s become harder to sweep that feeling of loss under the rug.

This only dawned on me a short while ago when I was at a going-away party for two expats, two guys who I was friends with and had some good times with, but we weren’t exactly BFFs! As I sat there, I started to see the emotion around the braai (charcoal barbeque for those outside Southern Africa) of both those departing and those saying goodbye. It was only subtle, a hug here, a few quick words there and the customary off-loading of stuff that wasn’t within the moving allowance of the company. This started to get to me, and I ended up leaving the party early, of course with the hug/handshake and walk technique (I will be patenting this soon). In the car I had to compose myself as I realized this would be the first of many goodbyes.

Actually, it was only a few weeks later that I was invited to another going-away party, which I dealt with a little more gracefully. I realized that as difficult this is for me, I was only saying goodbye to one person, instead of several people. It was at the same time that two of my closest expat friends (a couple) announced that the big promotion had come through and they’d be off to London soon. That one hit hard (I was also a little jealous — this promotion is the job of a lifetime), but as I have time to prepare for their departure, I’m starting to realize that saying goodbye is a good thing.

Two Sides to Every Coin

Why do I see this as potentially a good thing? My friends are moving on to bigger and better things, which I am excited about for them. I will miss them, of course, but selfishly, there will be more room in my own life to welcome new friends and experiences. I’ve also come to the realization that catching up with friends from home or expat friends who’ve moved on doesn’t have to be about re-creating the same bubble (if only briefly) that used to exist. There is the opportunity to talk about something more. You may no longer know every small detail of one another’s life, but this will make the conversation fresher and more exciting — once you get over the jet lag, of course.

In my 20s, being tough about saying goodbye was almost a badge of honor… and we all know that anything we think in our 20s is utter crap. I don’t think saying goodbye has become easier, but I do think that I am learning to appreciate it and the friendship that warranted such emotions.